Floating through the emptiness,
I'm a philosophical physicist.
My moonlit axiom,
Sun-kissed with wet lips,
You are the center of my universe.
Space and time ask you how to curve.
Your fingertips send lightning storms
Down to the center of my ribs;
You shock my senses—pure ethereal bliss.
Gravitation pulls me to you,
Knees weak, eyes open,
And bathed in curiosity.
An avid astronomer probing the scope of
Your infinite, immutable elegance.
I explore with my teeth
Downward from your stomach to your hipbones.
Your muffled pleasure screams sound to me
Like victory.
Explosions radiate red light across the surface—
The brightest star in the night sky:
She is mine to have
And to love.
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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
Author's CommentsComments
 This is a beautiful piece.
Really, I don't see anything wrong with it except a few phrases. "Your muffled pleasure screams," pleasure could be "pleasured" with a d. for some reason it sounds better. But other than that, I find no fault. Wondeful! Glad to hear you enjoyed it!
  I'll consider changing that line. Thanks for the advice  -- A proud member of *writingclub, #Inked-Page, and #Live-Love-Write Are you a member of #ProjectComment? Write literature? Send me a note! Zach No problem! Glad I could help c:
 -- A proud member of *writingclub, #Inked-Page, and #Live-Love-Write Are you a member of #ProjectComment? Write literature? Send me a note! Zach  It's a very nice piece. Vivid and an over-all nice concept. However, it was very hard for me to follow and i had to read it a few times to fully appreciate the scene. I'm not entirely certain why, however, i believe the over use of detail/ description may be taking from the piece as a whole. While the imagery was absolutely beautiful, cutting some of it out might help.
That's the main thing i thought. Sorry if i didn't help at all. It is still a wonderful piece. You are a very talented writer.  -- Happiness Comes in Bubbles. Sometimes, Bubbles Pop. Thank you very much for your time and your consideration. I will be sure to try and soak in all of that advice, and hopefully I might be able to make this piece more accessible.
-- A proud member of *writingclub, #Inked-Page, and #Live-Love-Write Are you a member of #ProjectComment? Write literature? Send me a note! Zach   This is beautiful, and I love some of the imagery in this...but it's not quite right somehow. I think you need to change the structure and play around with the form so it doesn't become monotonous...and maybe change the basic sentence structure that repeats in almost every line. I also think there's too much plain description that's devoid of narrative; that might be why it didn't appeal to me as much as it should have. The flow, you know, when you read it, isn't there.
 "I explore with my teeth
Downward from stomach to your hipbones." -the lines i like most -- "millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy sunday afternoon." -susan ertz |
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